This FSA clip details how to deal with an argument over a car parking space, the most common reason for fights in America! It covers the two basic types of response (Passive & confrontational) that typically escalate a confrontation, and then covers the third 'assertive' response that will de-escalate violence or the threat of violence.
Marital conflict is an unavoidable element of any marriage. A marital union that has not been afflicted by discord is like a teabag that has not been dipped in hot water—you really don’t know how strong a tea it would make to make. While conflict is often seen negatively, not all conflicts are detrimental.
In the work environment, for example, clashes in opinions allow two people to see things from the other’s point of view, resulting in a fresh perspective. This leads to a dialogue that provides a venue for brainstorming which, in turn, could lead to resolution of the disagreement. Change can take place, and with it, growth.
Similarly, marital discord is essential to keep the marriage from stagnating. The manner in which a couple handles dissension spells the difference between a shaky marriage and a sturdy one. What are some constructive ways to approach marital conflict? First, recognize that your spouse is a unique individual with a different set of values, needs, styles, perceptions, and goals.
When some of these are not met, dissatisfaction sets in; dissatisfaction, when not addressed, is a breeding ground for quarrelsome thoughts. Whenever a conflict arises, perceive it as your partner’s way of communicating his or her discontent. Strive to see beyond the tantrum and really listen to what is being said.
By doing this, you gain an understanding of the situation and avert irreparable damage caused by fighting fire with fire. Second, let the steam out. While mulling it over can be helpful in organizing your thoughts and expressing them better, letting conflict simmer for too long is just asking for trouble.
A pot left on the stove, even on the lowest of fire, will eventually boil over and the resulting spillage may burn seriously. A helpful strategy is to set an agreed moment to sit down together and tackle the problem. On the other hand, take care not to let every single differences in opinion escalate into discord—that would just be a waste of precious time and effort.
Third, do not bury it. Most women—ok, some men too—take the silent treatment into new depths. They loathe confrontation and would rather wallow in their resentment preferably in the sanctuary of the marital bed. Asking them what the matter is will only be met with a blistering “nothing”, or worse, dagger looks.
It would be best for the reasonable spouse to let a ‘tomb-er’ lie in the grave for a while; any effort to draw her out will prove futile if she is not ready to be resurrected. After a while, try coaxing her out with little acts of kindness—a cup of tea usually does wonders.
Fourth, learn the art of compromise. Giving up the prerogative to be always right is better if it means harmony between spouses. When you take time to really listen to your spouse, you might be astonished to find that his point of view is just as valid as your own.
Seeing things from a different angle can foster new ideas and makes you more receptive to various ways of resolving the issue at hand. So, now and again, try getting off the moral high horse—you may just like the view from the ground. Last, resist the temptation to be a chronicler.
It is so easy to resort to mucking around with the muddy past. Nit-picking on your spouse’s previous shortcomings will only complicate matters and postpone resolution of the current marital conflict. Stick to the problem at hand, seek to resolve it, and once resolved, put it in the bin—reduce but don't recycle.
As we can see, conflicts can do good for a marriage. Handled right, it can cultivate honesty and understanding between spouses which deepen the relationship. So, the next time you feel like boiling over, boil the kettle instead and see how strong a tea your marriage makes.
About The Author
Ruth Purple is a Relationship Expert who has been successfully coaching individuals and couples in their relationships. Get A Copy of her sensational ebook on Winning Over Infidelity. Experience a Happier Love Life.
Many news stories have tragically addressed the issue of two pre-teenage boys who committed suicide because they were bullied. These stories focus on the child and the things that parents and schools did to avoid the problem. One thing that more schools need to do to avoid such problems of bullying, conflict resolution, and dispute management is the concept of peer mediation.
Peer mediation is a strategy that teaches student mediators strategies to help resolve conflict among their peers. Peer mediation can be instituted at any age in school from early elementary to high school. In peer mediation, students are trained as conflict managers. They learn ways to solve problems and to assist their peers in settling disputes in a way that everyone can live with. Peer mediation helps to keep many minor incidents from escalating over time into more serious incidents.
One of the advantages of peer mediation, is the fact that in the case of a dispute, the disputing parties’ peers are helping to resolve the dispute instead of a parent or teacher. The students, with the assistance of the peer mediator, learn how they can resolve the dispute themselves in a peaceful fashion. In addition, several social studies have found that children are often influenced by their peers more than their parents. According to Nancy Kaplan, in an article originally published by School Safety, Winter 1996, entitled Student mediation: opportunity and challenge ” teaching students to employ conflict resolution skills produces significant results in decreasing school confrontations and violence.
peer mediation is the ability to resolve conflicts in a peaceful fashion. Rather than escalating, the peer mediators are shown life long conflict resolution skills.
It is the job of the mediator to assist the parties to arrive at a mutually acceptable solution. In litigation, mediators help the parties to avoid a legal battle. Similarly, in peer mediation, student mediators are taught how to communicate to best solve problems and help to resolve conflicts without confrontation or violence. The student mediators, like adult mediators, learn that conflict can be constructive and positive, and that their role as mediators is not to judge, nor to force an agreement or solution.
Peer mediation training is not a simple one hour course. Instead, training can last for many hours. Some programs, for example, train their mediators for 12-15 hours. Often when those student mediators are leaders in the student community who are respected by their peers, that 12 hour training could pay in numerous dividends throughout the community. Frequently, other children will start to mirror behavior of people they respect. As such, the training can have long term benefits on everyone.
The following techniques can help anyone to act as a mediator:
>> Let Each Person tell their story to the mediator uninterrupted.
>> Focus on issues and concerns, not on who did what.
>> Repeat the story until the person lets you know that you understand their position
(not that they necessarily agree with it).
>> Acknowledge the difficulty in dealing with these issues.
>> Ask both parties if they can think of solutions.
>> Write down all suggestions regardless of your thoughts.
>> Identify what the alternatives are to not getting a solution through mediation (ie. Expulsion, suspension, etc.).
By learning and using skills from mediation, children and adults can help to confront and break the vicious circle of violence associating with bullying.
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